“r u Insane?” is the mantra of Schlitterbahn’s water slide, the Verruckt. The funny part? I’ve been saying “Are you freaking insane?” whenever I’ve seen footage of the slide, not realizing this was the actual mantra and not realizing I was going to ride it.
Seriously, it’s Barbara Kempf’s fault. She has no fear, none. The day she invited me and the kids to join her at the park (her daughter Gabrielle works at Schlitterbahn and we were grateful recipients of guest pass fees) I knew I was in trouble when I said “are you doing the water slide?”
Barb, in her typical no-nonsense way, responded “of course.”
There was no way in hell I could go now and not do it.
All week long I found myself mumbling “damnit Barb”. Verruckt was there, hanging out in the back of my mind, and the words “r u insane?” creeping in.
When footage was first released in the local media about this slide I promised myself I would never ride it. Nope, no one can make me.
On Thursday, I found myself in the first line at Schlitterbahn, waiting for them to open. A cute young woman, sporting a blue Schlitterbahn shirt, gathered us around and began the lecture. When the doors opened, we were directed to follow her all the way to the back of the park if we wanted to ride the slide. She was VERY firm, stating “if you move ahead of me, push forward, or pass me on the way to the back your ticket will be revoked, your arm band removed, and you will be kicked out of the park for the remainder of the day with no refund!!”
Clearly people have been serious about this ride. Sheesh.
When we reached the ride there were two additional lines. I hate lines.
Let’s just get one thing out in the open: this is the most inefficient process I’ve ever seen.
Moving on…
The first line took thirty minutes. At the end, our threesome (Verruckt requires three riders at a time) of Marah, me and Barb found ourselves on a large scale to see if our combined weight would allow us to ride together. Whew, green light.
We then had to get into a second line. Twenty minutes later we were on the schedule for 4:00 pm.
At 3:50 sharp we hopped into line with four other sets of three. The same girl who weighed us in the morning was still there (aren’t there child labor laws in Kansas?) and she weighed us again; still a green light.
She then proceeded to read through what seemed like ten pages of instructions re: our own liability so quickly that it sounded like an auctioneer. We all nodded dumbly in agreement when she said “just nod”. It is highly possible she said something like “over half of all rides have resulted in the death, dismemberment, or decapitation of participants; do you still release Schlitterbahn from any and all liability?” and we still nodded “yes”. Because we couldn’t understand a damn thing she said.
The hardest part of the ride then ensued. We hiked 168’7” up, which included 264 steps. If you have any type of physical disability, pulmonary issues, or are simply waaaaay out of shape then you might want to avoid this ride. Here’s another thing to consider: the heavier your threesome weighs the faster you will fly down the slide (and the longer it will take to make that walk to the top). We were a feather-weight crew compared to some of the groups I saw.
Honestly, it wasn’t that bad and there were plenty of landings to stop and rest along the way. The steps have nets around them and nets over the top so I felt pretty safe as long as I didn’t look down. Barb, however, took great pleasure in stopping to point out local Kansas City sites as we rose. I don’t hate heights but I don’t immerse myself in them either. She’s a sadist and, at one point, told me to cover my ears because she wanted to share something with Marah that she thought might frighten me. I still haven’t asked what it was.
Management had included emergency buttons for those experiencing nausea/dizziness/cardiac arrest and there were signs letting us know we had passed the height of The Statue of Liberty, Niagara Falls….it honestly doesn’t look that high when you are standing below it!
We arrived at the top and I took comfort in the fact I couldn’t see over the edge. I pitied the young boy behind us, though. He looked about Brody’s age (9) and was, quite frankly, softly crying. His dad was leaneding down, encouraging him to go through with this insanity.
Honestly, I’m not sure how I would’ve handled it if it had been Brody (who was below absolutely seething because I thought he was too short to meet the guidelines; in all honesty, knowing my kid, he would’ve had no problem going over the edge). Part of me was ticked at the dad. The other part of me felt certain this kiddo insisted on riding and then panicked at the top. For the record, he DID go down the slide and at the end was downright giddy.
Our turn came and after saying a cheery hello to my best friend’s nephew (who looked at me like I was weird; okay, I’ll accept that because I AM a little weird) we climbed into the tube.
Marah and Barb were strapped in by staff but before they could get to me the tube began to move forward. Towards the edge, like it was going to take a dive.
I panicked, yelling “I’m not strapped in, someone strap me!!!” Folks in the line started laughing at me, pointing and saying “do you see her face?”
Assholes. Easy to laugh when you aren’t the one on top of Mount Everest getting ready to fly off the edge!
I continued begging “Seriously, strap me in!! Somebody strap me in NOW!!!”
My friend’s nephew was cracking up and his partner laughed, saying “we’ve been waiting to do that to someone all day!”**
With that, our tube moved forward, the bar lifted, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
The first thing you notice is how long it takes to tip straight down. Within the first blink of an eye I knew, could FEEL, that we were literally free falling STRAIGHT DOWN. The tube wasn’t touching the slide.
Then I felt the slide and peeked. Holy shit. I was looking straight down and it must’ve been at this moment we hit 65 miles per hour.
You can’t scream. I mean, literally, you physically can’t scream. The force propelling you straight towards the ground won’t allow you to scream. If you needed to vomit, you couldn’t. So in the midst of this insanity, there was complete and total silence. Except for the wind, of course.
I squeezed my eyes shut again. Yes, I’m a coward.
The drop took three seconds. Three amazing and adrenaline inspiring seconds.
Then we hit the bottom and in that moment our voices worked again. We shrieked, hollering, as upward momentum propelled us over the five story hill. Roller coaster enthusiasts will be able to relate to the “holy cripes I’m flying out of my seat” feeling that ensued when we hit the top of the hill.
As we careened down the last slope I couldn’t believe the screaming voice shouting “THAT WAS AWESOME!!!”
Then I realized it was my own. I couldn’t quit yelling, locking eyes with the staff member at the bottom and trying to make him understand “that was so awesome!! I want to do it again!”
He just smiled, shook his head, and waited for us to get out of the tube. Guess he’s heard it before.
Getting out wasn’t quite so easy. My legs were quivering. I started to stand and had to sit back down again. Taking a deep breath, I tried it again, this time managing to stay upright. I looked at Marah, asking if her legs were quivering.
When the daredevil teenager who often looks at you as if you are the biggest weirdo dork in the world sheepishly says “um, yeah” then you KNOW you’ve done something pretty cool.
My back was a little sore and those legs remained quivering for a short while. Even so, I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was that awesome.
Make plans to visit Schlitterbahn.
I dare you.
** I hereby release from liability Schlitterbahn staff members who pranked me; being a family friend let them know I was prankable and no injury or PTSD has and/or will result from said pranking. Does this legally get them off the hook if Schlitterbahn officials read this blog? Here's hoping....
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