Let's Face It, Women Have Some Nasty Bathroom Habits!

I love women.

I love my friends. I enjoy their insight, their passion, their laughter and their support.

Women are amazing and unless you are one of us and unless you’ve experienced the enlightenment of a close friendship with a woman that resembles that of a mother or sister you cannot possibly understand how valuable such a relationship can be to the long term happiness and mental health stability of us females.

I feel certain I would wither away and shrink without my circle of lady friends.

With that being said, and I mean this in the kindest way, some of us are downright nasty.

I’ve had the horror (I don’t think that is too harsh) of experiencing three different bathroom experiences over the past few weeks that have left me wondering if some of our feminine sisters have lost their mother loving minds.

Some of us are downright disgusting.

Exhibit A: The women’s public restroom at the northwestern end of The Legends outside shopping mall. It needs to be fumigated. As in yesterday. The first thing I noticed upon entering was the stifling smell, reminding me of an elementary school kid who has been playing outside in the heat for a solid four or five hours without bothering to take a restroom break. It was that heavy, moist, crotch-like smell. With my face jammed into it.

Oh stop it, if I had to endure it then you can read about it.

I found myself wondering if any of the women who had been in there ever bother to wash their private parts. I also wondered if they know how to pick up toilet paper because it appeared as if ten litters of kittens had been set free to attack every single toilet paper roll in the bathroom. It was everywhere on the floor. I do believe a person would have to make a concerted decision to teepee a bathroom in order to make such a mess. Come ON ladies.

The smell, however, was most pressing.

Here’s my advice when you find yourself in a bathroom like that; you know, the ones that smell like the stench never quite goes away and just piles on top of itself day after day after day after day.

Use your own shirt as a makeshift gas mask. Remember, though, that strong thigh muscles can help. You don’t want to touch these toilet seats, which means you have to have strong thigh muscles to support yourself while crouching in the defensive basketball stance. This has the added bonus of taking your mind off of the smell.

If you are really lucky, and have a strong sister like my friend Kris-Ann (we mastered this act many years ago while visiting our first co-ed bathroom at a club in NYC; worked beautifully), then you can help each other by joining hands while she helps hold you up, kind of like a balancing act. This, however, could impact the next paragraph’s suggestion because it requires both hands. Life sometimes presents us with difficult choices, I know.

If you are wearing short sleeves or a tank then simply pull the neckline up to a point just over your nose and inhale deeply your own smell. Hopefully you use cologne, lotion or use those yummy smelling Downy Unstoppable scent boosters in your laundry. If you are wearing long sleeves simply hold your forearm under your nose.

In defense of fellow stinky sisters, a bathroom IS the place we are supposed to go for THOSE issues. Which means the stinky bathroom at Legends is the least of the horrors I experienced within a three day span of time.

Exhibit B: The women’s restroom at TJ Max at, again, The Legends (maybe I’m on to something here). These bathroom stalls included feminine product disposal boxes. The box was not full. Someone, mother of God, decided she didn’t want to take the time to wrap her “feminine product” in toilet paper neatly and dispose of it properly. She thought it would be appropriate to leave it lying, sticky side down (dirty side up) on the LID of said disposal box. As an aside, it is a deeply held belief of mine that we are responsible for teaching our daughters proper and clean feminine product disposal practices. My own daughter hated this “talk”, begged me to stop speaking the day we reviewed it, but I sleep better at night knowing this crime will never be committed by my offspring.

Back to the crime - what the hell????

At what point does this seem appropriate? Who thinks other women want to stare down a used maxi pad while in the thigh burning defensive stance position and gasping for air inside the neckline of their shirt?

I have faith in my sister brethren, though, because even though there was a line in this bathroom not a single woman would venture into that stall and every one of us was commenting loudly on how disgusting it was. I feel confident this could be an isolated issue?

Scratch that. After this last exhibit I don’t think anything would surprise me.

Exhibit C: A visit to the women’s restroom in the Amtrak Station in downtown St. Louis resulted in a panic inducing nightmare later that night in which I was being attacked by feces. I’m still not over it.

While waiting to return to KC after a quick two day getaway to St. Louis with my husband, I needed to use the lady’s restroom. Every stall was open so I did what I always do (don’t ask me why - why do any of us practice our unique bathroom habits?); I walked all the way to the end, just before the handicapped stall (I never use those unless it’s the only one available in case someone who needs it comes in while I’m finishing my business – I’m proud of this habit).

What I found there left me scarred for life.

A woman (it IS the women’s restroom after all) appeared to have walked in, turned around, bent over and assaulted the back of the toilet, handle and wall with excrement.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

That’s how long it took before I gagged.

Then, out loud and at a fairly high volume, I said something like “holy shit, what happened in here and how the HELL does a person do that? What is WRONG with people? What is wrong with the WORLD? Gag, ack, whew, breathe Marlys, breathe.”

I wanted to run out of that room and never return but we had just finished an eight block walk after consuming multiple beers while watching the NCAA basketball tournament. My eyeballs were floating.

I was faced with a conundrum.

If I went to the furthest stall could it still get me?

I decided to clench and find another bathroom (yes, I know it wasn’t reasonable to think the darkness could creep under the stalls and touch me but at this point I was experiencing a mild form of poo-trauma).

After passing Brian, who looked at me curiously when I held up my hand and tersely said “don’t ask”, I headed down the hall to the other women’s restroom.

It was closed for cleaning.

The situation was becoming dire and I knew, in that moment, that I would have to head back into the women’s feces room from hell.

I pulled the collar up over my nose, quickly walked into the first stall and set a world’s speed record for peeing.

Not taking the time to wash my hands for fear the black plague was streaming towards me (Purell is our friend), I hauled ass out the door only to run into the cleaning woman.

Noticing the panic in my eyes and fear in my face, she asked “what’s wrong honey?”

I decided to give it to her straight.

“Someone shit all over a stall in there. I’m so sorry.”

She didn’t miss a beat, instead coyly asking “It wasn’t you, was it?”

I didn’t even know how to respond to that. Was the question even necessary? Seriously. As if?

Then she laughed and, I swear to God I’m not making this up, said “it’s okay, I see it every day.”

My first thought was “and you come BACK?”

That’s when I decided I needed to write this blog.

If you are a woman and don’t clean yourself, leave soiled feminine products exposed after using a public restroom (or ANY restroom for that matter) or feel it is appropriate to relieve yourself all over the back of a toilet without cleaning it up (I can’t allow myself to imagine how that happens) then please stop it.

You are being chastised. You are being called out. I’m begging you to show some self-respect and, barring that, practice respect for your fellow sisters.

You are giving the rest of us a bad name.

Along with nightmares and poo-PTSD.

Please, I beg of you. Stop it.