Monday, December 15, 2014

Diary of An Angry Left Hand

August 25, 2014: I suffered a goalie injury tonight while playing really hurts. In fact, it hurts so badly that I even allowed a few tears to drip down my pitiful cheeks while driving solo to the emergency room. Very humiliating; there’s no crying in soccer! (or is that baseball?).

I am now there still waiting on x-rays of an immobile right hand. She is bent at an odd angle and a large bump is rising from the wrist. Left hand is getting tired of playing slots on the cell phone while we wait. I can’t believe how out of shape she is!

August 26, 2014, 7:00 am: Grrrrrr, woke feeling very grumpy today. There are so many things I do with my right hand that I’ve taken for granted. Grandpa Stone (RIP), who lost his right arm in 1945, is laughing at me right now I’m sure.

My left hand is still tired from handling the phone and everything else.

August 26, 2014 11:00 am: It has now been 13 hours since the break & I am in fear for my life. My left hand is revolting & has declared war. I caught her whispering to right hand "you little wussy! I didn't sign up for this type of work”! My right eye is furious...I think lefty maliciously rammed the mascara wand into her. I keep telling myself I hand.... Please keep me in your prayers; not sure when or if I’ll be able to persusde hre to kpee tyinpg.....

August 28, 2014: Day three of "the break" & left hand's sadistic personality is becoming more pronounced. The right eye can barely see & I've decided to remove mascara from Lefty's reach permanently. She wields it like a ninja sword.

This morning Baths (short for Bathsheba, my new name for her) made a point regarding who is in charge by pouring water for the coffee pot all over the coffee filter instead of the water chamber.

She takes particular joy in soiling herself when I try to wipe after using the bathroom and I swear I heard her whisper to Righty last night "see, that's what happens when you force me to perform jobs that are beneath me".

I see the orthopedic doctor this morning & can only hope she doesn't embarrass me.

I feel possessed.

Pray for us.

August 28, 2014: The official diagnosis is a fracture of the distal radius bone. Four weeks in the hard cast and then at least another two weeks in a wrist splint but things could be so much worse. The smaller bones around it are okay and imagine the horror of an out of control left LEG if this had been an ankle or knee injury!

August 28, 2014: I began another diary entry but quickly gave up. Left hand is getting lippy again & I need to tend to her. I feel as if the Bride of Chuckie is living in my arm.

September 2, 2014: I decided to go ahead and write a serious blog in order to keep things in perspective. This was a mistake. Lefty fought me every step of the way and it took all day to type. For some strange reason her middle finger seems to be overcome with spasms that result in revolting extensions. I’m not stupid. I know what she is doing.

September 10, 2014: I feel like the little train that could.....purchased some new piano sheet music and even with the cast I can pitifully play a little (it’s actually somewhat comical to observe). Lefty is behaving herself. I’m wondering how long this will last.

September 15, 2014: Showed up for soccer tonight and proved it is possible to play with a cast (if you want to call my defense “playing”). Have missed my “Bad Ass Moms”, aka BAM, ladies and Lefty didn’t have time to act out because I was panting too hard. The field was wet, though, and within minutes of playing we had hit the deck hard. Lefty refused to cushion the fall, glaring at me and whispering “are you insane? I see what you did to the other hand. Not this girl. NOT this girl”.

September 16, 2014, 4:55 am: Pampered Chef cake tester use #33- this amazing tool fits perfectly down into a cast to hit that one spot causing maniacal & insane itching. If I were a dog my leg would be jerking. Awwwww, blessed relief! It is even worth the short stabs Lefty gleefully inflicts every so often.

September 23, 2014: The cast comes off in two days. In the meantime, Lefty has tried to behave herself but this morning it just was too much for her to overcome. After she jabbed the roof of my mouth with the Oral-B flosser or I swear I heard her whisper "sucker".

For over two weeks I have had very limited mobility with my right thumb and can't straighten it. In the interim, until the cast comes off and a proper diagnosis can be made, Lefty has been forced to provide archaic manual physical therapy to keep said right thumb in motion. This morning she snapped and I swear I heard her say "dumbass wussy thumb, I'm getting sick of taking care of you. I know pinkies with more intestinal fortitude than you. Oh, and by the way, even with "her" attempts at cleaning you still are starting to smell."

She’s just starting to be mean for the sake of being mean.

I should've seen that she was close to the breaking point when she flipped Brody's omelette this morning across the kitchen. Kona enjoyed this post-breakfast snack but I angrily reminded Lefty she is just punishing herself with these childish outbursts because she has to wipe up the mess. She just whispered “karma bitch”. Which makes no sense to me. Why would karma punish me when I’m not the one who flung the food?

Thursday can't come soon enough.

September 25, 2014: Lefty is in full blown melt down. I sympathize with her and even cried briefly after leaving the hand specialist, sniffle. I've given myself one hour for self-pity then WE IS MOVIN' ON!

In laymen’s terms the cast is gone and the fracture is healed, but the tendon from the thumb is completely severed. Righty will have to undergo surgery next Wednesday to repair the EPL and then, gulp, spend another 4-6 weeks in another cast and then a splint.

I've put off trying to blog but maybe this will teach me to be more succinct and brief (Lefty is already doing that, in spite of her motives). BAM is going to be frustrated I’m sure....none of them really like playing goalie and a tendon issue is more delicate than a bone issue so I won’t be playing, even with a cast.

A bonus is that voters seem to be nicer to me when I canvass for Amber Versola (who is running for Kansas State Representative). So there's that silver lining; nobody has threatened to shoot me like they did her the other night (aw, bloody Kansas).

Lefty applied lotion to the dry and pale right wrist and arm just now, making me believe for a brief moment that there might be hope. Then she squeezed her sister arm’s sore and achy wrist aggressively, whispering "I'm going to remember this, you weakling".

October 1, 2014: The surgery was successful but the doctor did have to transfer the tendon from my finger because the thumb tendon has retracted. A second cast, which frankly looks like a medieval monster club, will remain on my hand until next Thursday when a new and smaller one will be cast. It looks like the Shuldas are eating carry out for a week, which makes Lefty somewhat happy. Her Evil Honor seems to appreciate the new pain prescription for oxycodone. I am feeling a little loopy right now but she’s being nice so I’m looking at the narcotic as another silver lining.

October 7, 2014: Lefty got a little whiny today because her thumb and hand are getting sore from overuse. Then, after glancing at righty and the bulging mammoth monstrosity of cast she has to wield, I heard her whisper to herself "chill out; at least you aren't THAT guy!" Maybe Sibyl is starting to settle down?

October 9, 2014: Rain can't dampen my mood this morning! The sutures will be removed and this club on my hand changed out for something smaller. I'm downright giddy, even if Lefty is still lurking.

October 11, 2014: Lefty pissed me off today. I guess she really is angry about this whole "right hand in a cast for the next 5000 years" prognosis.

I was in the shower brushing my teeth while resting my right elbow on the soap dish because she gets tired after holding herself up in the air for so long (trying to avoid water flowing down into the cast). So….inevitably my right elbow knocks the soap off and in a blur Lefty ACTS like she's going for the soap but actually jabs the still toothpaste loaded toothbrush into my left eye.

I have a new weapon that will motivate terrorists to spill their secrets. Jab toothpaste into their eyes.

Don't even get me started on the fact that it is now jeans season and I'm trying to get jeans on with one hand. She just will NOT work with me on this issue and says she refuses to cooperate with getting dressed unless I agree to wear yoga pants or sweats only. She tried to add in a refusal to help with bras until I threatened to take a sledge hammer to her.

Lefty will be grounded when this is all over.

October 14, 2014: Lefty and I had a terrifying moment this morning over the litter box.

Every time I force her to clean it out she toys with me, randomly flinging the litter up towards my face.

Not only did I have to deal with Lefty while changing the litter but Hope the Cat watched me with accusatory eyes because I have not been on top of it in the manner to which she has become accustomed.

Unfortunately, the accusatory glares of Hope the Cat distracted Lefty who then decided to fling more than just litter towards my face. I keep trying to remind her that we share the same body. After a few harsh words we finally came to a truce. At least the cat is happy now.

October 21, 2014: Dn#@8BLR"P%&%^$SH*&^%!!!

Lefty did it again. I made the ignorant mistake of asking her to pull a strap up onto my right shoulder and she "slipped" and punched me in the chin.

I swear I heard a silent giggle while I was cursing and am fairly certain this was in retaliation for the sledge hammer threat. Well played, Lefty, well played.

October 30, 2014: Today is the beginning of another new journey and the final cast is gone. I can't move my thumb at all but am sure with physical therapy and a little bit of grit and determination we will be wiggling in no time! The tech who removed the cast salvaged every single Jayhawk autograph and I’m beginning to like the term “silver lining”.

I’m trying to not dwell on the fact that our very skilled hand surgeon, Dr. Lanny, said I most likely will never be 100% again. He has no idea how close Lefty came to taking him out for good after he uttered those ill-fated words. Fortunately, I’m stronger than her.

November 1, 2014: Now that the cast is off and I have a temporary splint that can be removed, we were able to have the first truly touching moment with Lefty since this all began yesterday morning.

I took the splint off and attempted to brush my teeth holding the toothbrush with fingers and not the thumb (not supposed to use the thumb with the exception of three attempts a day to touch it to my fingertips). I quickly realized that it was going to take two hours to completely finish brushing and in a moment of pure tenderness and sacrifice Lefty gently sighed and said "here, let me take care of that!" It almost brought me to tears.

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon when we visited the grocery store and did the first full shopping trip I've done since this happened. The cart was packed and Lefty was having to put every single item on the belt one at a time.

I was shocked when about two thirds of the way through she simply refused to pick up another grocery item and then glared at Righty yelling "I'm sick & tired and you can take over from here Miss 'I can brush my teeth all by myself' "!!!!

There was an uncomfortable pause while the clerk waited for me to cajole her back into action (I could tell she thought I was one of those crazy people who talks to herself; hater). Lefty and Righty haven't spoken since....but my family is happy to have food again.

November 20, 2014: Yesterday the cat scratched me while I was holding her (yes, the same cat who is disgusted with her litter box; I’m surrounded by demanding figures). She did it directly on the tendon surgery incision, which absolutely HAD to be deliberate.

Last night I dreamed that cats carry the Ebola virus and as a result of the scratch I started developing symptoms. In the dream I attempted to sneak into the hospital without bringing attention to myself. Nurses whisked me into an exam room and instead of using a needle to withdraw blood the nurse pulled out a huge razor and proceeded to slash my right wrist. I screamed while she put the blood on a test strip and Righty was crying “Why? Why?” Then, just before receiving the diagnosis, I woke up. Damn cats. Damn Ebola.

Clearly the stress is starting to impact my mental condition.

December 14, 2014: It is time to give Lefty her due.

I began occupational therapy two weeks ago and am making amazing progress (shout out to OT Tamara, who is amazing). Mobility on the part of Righty is exceptionally improved. Strength is at about half of what Lefty has but even so Righty is working hard and demanding action. I think Lefty respects this. She hasn’t jabbed, poked or punched me in a month now. There have been no whispered insults or name calling either. In fact, she seems to be feeling parental even, proud of Righty’s accomplishments. Just a few days ago she sat back and allowed Righty to try and twist the wine opener. When it became apparent that things would work much faster if Righty held the bottle and Lefty turned the corkscrew she simply sighed and said “come on, let me do it”. (this may have been a mind over matter issue….I REALLY needed a glass of wine and was getting impatient)

I started to believe, briefly, that she had let go of this irrational resentment.

That is, until we were at Brian’s work party Saturday evening and the white elephant gift exchange commenced. As soon as Susan (the wife of one of his co-workers) opened the electric wine bottle opener I realized Lefty hadn’t forgotten a thing. Unknown to the rest of the guests, I was literally having to hold her back from leaping across the room and grabbing the contraption out of Susan’s hands. It was then that I heard her whisper to ME, not to Righty, “you dumbass!!! Why in the HELL didn’t you buy one of those three months ago??? Do you know how much easier BOTH of our lives would have been?”

The electric wine opener now looks lovely sitting on our counter. Nobody fought me for it after I stole it from Susan. Lefty was clenched and I think made them nervous. We had wine for dinner and Lefty and Righty are now working together as a beautiful team while I quietly sit typing on our bed.

It has been one hell of an adventure, but I’ve discovered a few things.

Sometimes, no matter how much we like to think our body is ours, it can and does have a mind of its own. And if I ever break my hand again? I’m putting Lefty in a splint too. I’ve seen what she can do when she’s pissed and I’d rather air dry after going to the bathroom then go through that hell again.

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