The Evil Weight Loss Monkey is Back

Photographs. Those are what finally did me in.

I saw a photo of myself standing in front of a seven foot tall basketball player…and my hips were wider than his. It was a sobering moment.

I’ve tried running before and, in fact, trained for the grueling 17 mile Imogene Mountain run a few years ago. It wasn’t a marathon but to be quite honest, when one is running ten miles up a mountain over a 5,000 foot incline I think it comes pretty damn close (okay, I tried but could NOT run the entire way up; go ahead and judge, just go ahead). The seven miles down was an apt reward for the hell involved in getting to the summit.

I hate running. I despise running. I lost a few inches during that time but still didn’t lose as much weight as one would think. I experienced moments of clarity and saw wonderful things in nature during that time as well… but I still hate running. I have prayed, begged, coveted other runners, and wished upon every star in the sky that I could enjoy running but at this stage of my life I think it would be best for me to be completely honest and come clean. I. Hate. Running.

In my mind that left only one option: dieting.

I haven’t officially been on a food diet since the early 1990’s. I also hate the word diet. I hate the thought of going on a diet. I believe the word itself is a recipe for failure. So much hate!

I needed to go on a diet.

I don’t know how to diet. I didn’t even know where to begin. I’m bad with math, always have been, so somehow trying to count up and add “points” seemed to be a recipe for failure.

What I didn’t need at this particular moment in time was a failure. Remember my blog about depression? And my goal of staying off anti-depressants? By mid fall of this past year the depression had started creeping back in again. I was tired, down, lethargic, and starting to have some difficult days. I needed some help to keep myself from going back to those low places and I wasn’t above paying for it. The first thing I did was call a counselor for a tune up. She’s been wonderful.

Then I turned my attention to my weight issue and went with something tried and true by a few friends who said it worked: Slim4Life.

I know, I know….”it’s expensive”….”people gain back the weight”…”just eat right and exercise”…

I needed accountability…and quick results….and evidence from someone I know who recently participated in the program and succeeded. The regimen seemed to be a good choice for others, so in early December, on impulse, I just dropped in…and walked out a member.

I made it through three weeks before we left town on a two week winter vacation and those three weeks were difficult but rewarding. Those three weeks helped me hold that nasty monkey, depression, at bay. I faithfully went in every single day (except for Sunday) to weigh myself and touch base. Remember, I need accountability.

If you are curious, bare with me and I’ll share a little about how it works.

Let’s be honest here: the real issue for most folks is cost, so let’s get that part out of the way. I signed up using a special. One month for $199. That included supplements, snack bars, and an appetizer suppressant. All other supplements, cook books, and pills (there are a ton of them available; that part is a little overwhelming) are additional.

I believe the typical program, which covers an entire year, is closer to $600. By the way, through January I have about ten coupons that will let you sign up for a year for half price if anyone is interested. Not, this isn’t a shameless plug for Slim4Life….but I hate wasting paper.

The first three days you cleanse, meaning 3-4 pounds of proteins a day, one orange, and all the green veggies you desire (gag; I’m not a big veggie person). ½ teaspoon of Morton’s Lite Salt and fat free dressings are the only fun flavorings allowed, other than any basic dried spice that doesn’t include salt. Oh, and don’t forget the 80 ounces of water a day. Stock up on toilet paper ladies and gentlemen, you will be peeing your brains out (TMI? Sorry, it’s just a fact).

I lost five pounds the first week. If that isn’t motivation I don’t know what is.

After those first three days I was limited to a few fruits, veggies, proteins and starches per day but my stomach had shrunk so much that the real danger was in not eating enough. I used their recipes, which were bland as hell, but those made it easier to track what I was eating.

There were some real learning curves during those three weeks.

One major aspect of the program is the many pills and supplements participants can purchase. I try to avoid pills so decided to only use two of their recommended options: one increases metabolism and helps curb hunger (which was included in my fee); the other is what I like to call the cellulite pill. It is designed to tighten cellulite as one is losing weight. I’ve had cellulite on my thighs since birth. I’m not joking. If there were any infant photos of me in existence I could prove it to you. Alas, there are not, so you’ll just have to take my word. Let’s just call it a curse…of the worst kind.

I honestly think the cellulite pills were working, little by little. I also lost inches, I’m sure, since my underwear stopped leaving gouges in my skin. The worst part is that I was taking NINE of them a day. Nine cellulite and six appetite suppressants = sick of taking pills.

But to be honest, it was the “hunger curbing” pill that wreaked havoc during my first week. Havoc on both my weight (yahoo!) and on sleep.

I THOUGHT I was supposed to take them three times a day (morning, noon, night). On the third day we had a particularly busy evening so I found myself tossing the final pills back some time after 9:00 pm.

At 2:30 am on the nose I sat straight up in bed, feeling a spastic amount of energy. This girl wasn’t going back to bed. Not on that night. By 8:00 am I was exhausted and, frankly, a little pissed. I typically sleep soundly. I typically sleep all night.

When I went in the next morning and told them what happened they asked me when I had taken the last pill. I heard an audible “gasp” among all the staff within earshot. My consultant gently but firmly told me to always take the last of those pills no later than 5:00 pm.

Now I ask you, my reader, what does this mean is REALLY in the pill??? Maybe that explains the jittery feeling I sometimes get. It reminds me a little of the Metabolife days, sigh. Now THAT was the perfect way to lose weight. And, cough cough, die young. Double sigh. Sometimes I miss Metabolife and my brief time as a skinny girl.

In order to speed up the process I decided to start boxing and strength training. Diet and exercise together, right? Isn’t that the key?

No one told me that my particular plan was designed for a sedentary person. They don’t really WANT you to vigorously exercise on this plan because the amount of food directed isn’t enough for someone working out. That might explain why I felt ready to pass out every time I walked into Punch Fitness. As a compromise, I started only exercising three times a week, which, frankly, is about all this middle aged woman could handle.

The first weekend I was on the diet Brian and I attended an adult Christmas party. Since beer and wine were no longer on the menu I brought a bottle of Kettle One and soda water. I don’t typically drink liquor. I don’t typically drink more than a few glasses of wine these days. All I really remember from that night was having to listen to Brian the next morning as he looked at me accusingly and said “well, if you were so angry at me you could’ve said something before we went out!” Apparently, I cried, yelled, screamed, and laid out a list of wifely complaints in a very frank manner on the ride home. After I explained (and apologized) he amusingly said “hmmm, maybe you shouldn’t try to do EVERYTHING at once dear”. Whatever, Mr. Ironman.

After week one I had a better understanding of the role of the supplements in addition to a better understanding of my unnecessary relationship with Kettle One. We’ve since parted ways.

During week 2 the weight stopped coming off, even though I was doing everything by the book.

The first few days I just kept plugging away. By the 11th day I felt tears well up as I stood on the scale in their office. I sniffingly told the consultant “I’m sorry, but I’m freaking starving myself, doing everything I’m supposed to do, and I’m not losing weight. I feel like crying, so I’ll apologize…but it’s that time of month and I’m a little emotional.”

For the second time in two weeks I heard a collective gasp among the staff members. Let me clarify: all of them are women.

My consultant laughed and said “Girl, why didn’t you tell me that? We all gain weight when we are on!”. Every single one of them walked by and whispered things like “I gain five pounds, guaranteed” or “doesn’t matter how hard I’m working the program, I always stop losing weight that time of month”.

My pride returned, hope intact, and I walked out ready to continue battling.

By the time we left for Arizona I was down a full eleven pounds and one to two sizes (depends on the style/designer). In three weeks! My goal, initially, had been to lose 20 pounds. Now I’m not sure that was realistic. I haven’t weighed a "certain" weight since early high school…or during the year of Metabolife. Frankly, I was ecstatic with the eleven pounds.

Not wanting to lose momentum, I packed a massive bag of the snacks and supplements and brought my trusty book and diary. Slim4Life allowed me to put the program on pause (I had only signed up for four weeks), but I was planning on sticking with the diet; even if it meant hauling another suitcase to Arizona.

Who in the hell was I kidding?

I did fine on Amtrak, but I was still taking the appetite suppressant and their food was horrible.

Once we hit Arizona and his aunt’s amazing cooking the jig was up. I was also tired of swallowing pills; so I stopped.

Fortunately, my stomach was still smaller so I ate less. And we hiked…long, strenuous, amazing hikes. In fact, I’m pretty sure I left every single pound gained during those two weeks somewhere on Grand Canyon’s Bright Angel Trail and Piestewa Peak.

Now that we are home I’ve forced myself to acknowledge that I’m tired of supplements, pills, and Slim4Life’s diet, at least for the time being. Let’s call it symptoms of being a double Gemini. I was focused and determined in the beginning but three weeks was about all I have in me.

Because of the hiking…and because most of what we ate on vacation was made at home with fresh ingredients…and because I didn’t overdo it (okay, I ate cookies and desserts when I wanted to and had wine most nights…just all within reason)…and because I found a new form of exercise that I enjoy in boxing…I’m still maintaining a weight I can live with.

Who knows, that may still keep me in the “obese” category at the doctor’s office (folks, don’t pay attention to those charts: we are all designed uniquely and differently). What I DO know is that I feel better, have more energy, and would recommend the program to anyone wanting a jump start on losing weight.

The depression is still at bay, knock on wood, and the boxing is still appealing to me. I have to be honest, though. I’ve been playing this up and down weight game my entire adult life. It sucks - but is part of having my DNA, my body, and my multiple personality. Today is good and I’ll accept that. History has taught me that some time in the future I’ll weigh more than the "red line" I've set for myself, look at a personal photo, and say really mean things to the mirrored face I’m looking at. I need to not do that. You need to not do that to yourselves. When that happens for me, I’ll pull this out and read it. Then I’ll pull out the Slim4Life plan and hop back on it for a few weeks. And if I’m lucky, find a bag to punch.