This is the story of a thriving suburb on the outskirts of Kansas City, Kansas. It is, of course, fiction. It is a tale of politics, ignorance, and power. It is a tale of a community that fell asleep and quit paying attention.
The City of Eenwahs, whose name derives from the ancient Indian tribe of “Eenwah”, is nestled along the Kansas River. It is surrounded by lush trees, beautiful walking paths, and prides itself on being a family oriented community that values education and religion. Eenwahs ranks second nationally in the number of churches per-capita, with Salt Lake City being first.
Income is high, housing prices are low, and SUV’s common. Every major intersection boasts of at least one church and one bank; business is booming for both. Road rage is rare, bikers common, and the schools are among the highest scoring in the state.
Eenways is conservative, even by Midwest suburban standards. Local residents enjoy their community and spend most of their free time pursuing family and socially related amusements. Most avoid political exploration and prefer, safely, to vote “business as usual” when elections roll around. They have, in many instances, fallen asleep at the wheel.
Kansas has traditionally been considered a Democracy, along with the rest of the nation. This is all about to change, which is where our story begins. Eenwahs citizens are in danger of losing their simple, safe, & carefree community due to an infestation of a new breed of leaders they elected. These political imposters are part of an ultra-religious party, secretly called the Sessadumbs but who publicly go by the name "Republican". Traditional Republicans are mortified, but have been weak and slow to wrest back their party from these infiltrators.
Leading the charge this year is the valiant and hyper-vigilant Mimi Kooc. Mimi is a devout Catholic who believes the female body should answer to the Pope and only the Pope. She cruises major subdivisions during election years in fetching sweatsuits which sport an impressive “MPK” on the back and it makes her blood boil when she spots any form of opposition intruding into her territory. Mimi has been known to verbally assault innocent campaigners, leaving them mouthing the words “WTF just happened”?
Mimi has earned a fourth degree black belt in the art of training canvassers to steal, lie, and character-assassinate anyone who tries to get in the way of her own campaign or those of other Sessadumbs. If you spot random walkers removing opposition literature from your neighbor’s door, just look away lest she find you and punish you. You see, Mimi has a list. All of the Sessaddumbs do. You don’t want to be on it, particularly if you are one of those "traditional" Republicans. Mimi becomes uncontrollable when coming face to face with someone deemed "moderate".
Mimi’s most ardent fan is another Sessadumb named Terb Darbadihl. Terb is socially awkward & struggles when forced to speak in public, but is a fierce and radical believer in Sessadumb causes. He knows very little of the female body or of child rearing/public education, having never been married or even dated. Terb doesn’t need silly things such as experience, though, feeling that life in his small (politically paid for) apartment along with his fancy hot-rod are enough to present himself as an up and coming Gubernetorial candidate of the highest class. He took the secret blood oath several years ago, promising to propose legislation and vote yeah or nea as directed by handlers. Terb’s recruiters have been nothing short of amazed at how easily he acquiesces to requests and their original plan for him to do exactly as told without asking questions has proven to be a home run.
Mimi and Terb are focused, primed, driven, and have a personal mandate from God. Eenwahs, they feel, will be a better place once they have passed legislation that eliminates public education and funnels tax payer funding towards Catholic and Christ-based schools. They know, in their hearts, that the founding fathers really didn’t intend for there to be a separation of church and state and in secret talks, they plan to bring in the Phelps family to help finalize later legislation as they create a theocratic midwest. A few insiders, who are becoming concerned, revealed early plans involving stake burnings and drownings for union members, homosexuals, non-christians, welfare mothers, Democrats, public school teachers, orphans, and any woman who has ever had an abortion or even considered one. As you can imagine, even members of the radical Sessadumb party realize that they need to keep these secret plans under wrap lest they instigate a mass exodus before their plans are fully realized.
Other items on the agenda, according to insiders, include an elimination of minimum wage and publicly funded police and fire departments. State welfare organizations are already moving forward quickly and Sessadumbs are said to be ecstatic with the transfer of Child Support Enforcement to the private sector. There have been multiple happy hours spent mocking Kansas employees who are about to lose their jobs and, in turn, their hard earned retirement. Mimi and Terb were observed during one such gathering to blow diet coke out of their noses while discussing Kansas immigrants being shot from helicopters. Apparently, the visual was so funny that a peer had to perform CPR on Terb, giving him brief insight into what an actual relationship might be like.
Sessadumbs master plans are moving along nicely and as citizens of Eenwahs start to see their taxes go up, their schools disappear, their public services diminish, their laws become Sharia-like, their union based businesses migrate to other states with lightening speed, and their university funded hospitals become the laughing stock of the medical community, we can hope, faintly, that maybe there will be a revolt of epic proportions in order to take back what was once a sensible, pragmatic, supportive, and tolerant community and state.
As long as Eenwahs and Kansas citizens fail to research their candidates, it could be a long time before that revolt happens.
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