A Letter to Stay-At-Home Parents

Dear Stay At Home Moms and Dads,

I joined your ranks in 2007 and continue to struggle with one undeniable problem. It’s called embarrassment and guilt.

I try to hide the fact that I don’t “work”.

When asked “what do you do” I always focus on what I used to do, what I’m planning to do, and anything in between, rather than talk about what I really do.

I can read between the lines but never stand up for myself. During those instances where someone might say to me “must be nice”, “but you don’t work”, “some of us have to work”, or “why don’t you get a job?” I simply bow my head in shame and mutter “I know, I’m really fortunate.” I AM fortunate, don’t get me wrong. I GET IT.

What I really want to scream is “But I had a thriving career and walked away because my husband travelled and made more money!”

I want to retaliate with “I cleaned rooms in a Holiday Inn, worked as a janitor, survived a night shift in a factory, was employed as a dispatcher with a heating and cooling company (enduring verbal abuse from clients so nasty that it would leave Chris Rock’s face crimson), and even had feces thrown at me while working in a group home, so don’t treat me like I don’t appreciate the value of hard work!”

I want to write a note to the Kansas City Star JoCo913 reporter who called me a “stay at home mom” when I ran for the Kansas House of Representatives last year. She failed to mention that I had a lengthy professional career full of accomplishments. I imagined her as some snot nosed recently graduated journalism student trying to make a point about a “middle class Johnson County soccer mom looking for something to do”.

How shallow of me. How self-pitying. How insulting towards other mothers and fathers who choose to stay at home.

I’ve done both and understand and respect the value inherent in each world. I didn’t quit working outside the home until our oldest was six and our youngest was three.

I remember rushing around in the morning, frantically yelling and trying to get ready while shoving a granola bar into our daughter's little hand as we drove to daycare.

I remember crying the rest of the way to work because I knew my anxiety probably fueled the tone for the rest of her day. I know many of my friends still go through this nightmarish ritual some mornings.

I remember speeding back to the daycare provider’s home because the pick-up time was close at hand and I didn’t want to be late (let’s face it, she’d been monitoring a houseful of little ones since before many folks even get up in the morning…talk about a hard job!). Then rushing home, hurrying both kids through dinner and bath, and trying to skip pages in the bed time story because I just wanted to go to bed.

And I remember doing the math, figuring out how much money we were spending on day care, my wardrobe and makeup, shoes, lunches, and fuel. Then subtracting all of that from my monthly salary to see how much I was really contributing to the family’s income. The final amount was staggeringly low.

If someone takes a jab at me for being a stay-at-home mom, it hurts me. And because I’m sensitive, I begin to wonder if I’m less valuable than “working” moms.

This is the real shame.

I don’t “stay” at home because I’m lazy. Our financial situation is no one’s business, but I can assure anyone curious enough to wonder that I would get a job, ANY job, in a heartbeat if we needed more money. I’m not too proud; picking up used condoms from under a hotel room bed should be ample proof of this. I’ve bought food at Aldi and clothes at consignment stores and still shop at places like these (I would even if we were wealthy, at least I’d like to think so).

I don’t “stay” at home because I can’t keep a job or because I’m “too good” to work. Neither of us was born with money nor did we inherit a trust. We both worked hard all through college, figuratively and literally, and I was well respected in my past career.

I stay home because of many of the same reasons you do. Initially, it was because my husband was travelling with his job Monday through Friday and my work hours were becoming incompatible with daycare hours. We didn’t have close family members to watch our children or anyone to even call if in a pinch.

I remember listening to co-workers complaining bitterly, and sometimes unkindly, about having their own parents watch their children…for free…as late or as early as they were needed. Having this option for daycare would’ve made a huge impact on our decision for me to walk away from my career.

I remember being subtly moved to the outside of the “inner circle” after I began working part-time. There was an underlying tenor that I had it easy and was no longer one of them. *(I still have some amazing friends from my old job, friends who never treated me differently pre or post employment)

I remember being discounted, even then.

The decision to stay at home is not an easy one for many of us, and for me personally, a woman who loved her career, it was terrifying because I knew that by leaving I would most likely never have the same opportunities again.

This was certainly one of the costs. I now have the feared “gap” in employment history, so if and when the time comes for me to re-enter the work force I will be at a severe disadvantage. There is an initial internal shame that you are the one who needs to quit your job because your earning power is so inferior to that of your spouse.

But it goes deeper than this for us stay-at-home parents. There is an abiding sense of servitude, a pervasive feeling that every household need is your responsibility and yours alone. Because it is your job, you feel you have no right to ask another family member to do anything related to household chores (and yes, we do still require the kids to have responsibilities so that they will learn life lessons).

You feel that because you don’t work, you have no right to buy yourself things or to go out. This is a guilt you carry with you on those occasions when you might really want to do something but your spouse would be needed to cover for the kids if you do it. You see, every grocery item bought or cooked, every item washed or put away, every need expressed by each child or extended family member, every particle of dust, every event to attend, and every moment your spouse isn’t at work is actually yours to take care of: because it’s your job and household needs are no longer divided or shared among family members.

The question “what did you do today?” takes on a whole new meaning and you find yourself trying to justify how you spent your “non-working” day.

Each need related to the family is yours alone, 100%...because you don’t contribute any money. That’s the real bottom line. If I ponder this issue too long or too deeply, it can leave me feeling torn because no one verbally states these things and it’s hard to determine what is justified and what are my own messages to myself, separate from the messages my spouse may or may not be sending. Does this make sense?

It is at those times, I remember two things.

First, many working women continue to carry the burden of handling all household needs. They simply have to do it while working at the same time because they are either single or have a partner who refuses to help (and yes, I’m sure there could be a handful of men dealing with this issue too).

The second thing that sustains me (and most likely all of those other stay-at-home parents) is that in spite of the above, staying home has been the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

I continue to stay home now because we've seen the benefits and because I still can. My kids are thriving and our family unit has far less stress because there is always one person available to handle anything needed, any time. That person is me, and I can be there without fear that I will be written up…without fear that I will be fired…without fear that I will use up all of my sick leave or vacation…without fear that I will never be able to get caught up on missed work…without fear that my co-workers will bitch about me behind me back if I’m gone. I am deeply grateful for this.

I’m writing about this today because it's been on my mind and because I've had some recent discussions with a few friends who have felt looked down upon or discounted because they don't work outside the home. People don’t typically SAY insulting things as a rule, but they can certainly think and infer them. So here goes a bullet list of how this stay-at-home mom views her situation:

1. I understand that I am fortunate and blessed to be able to stay at home and I am deeply grateful for this gift.

2. I understand that many folks out there don’t have this option or opportunity and that this should make me even more grateful. Believe it or not, it does.

3. I would work the dirtiest, nastiest, and most demeaning job in existence if I had to do so in order to feed my family. Don’t think for a minute I wouldn’t. Most of you would do the same.

4. I am grateful to my spouse because he is an amazing provider and a bright, driven, and loyal man. I also acknowledge what we have is a combination of sacrifice, commitment, hard work and good fortune. One serious medical issue, one bankrupt company, one act of nature and things could change. Each day is a gift, plain and simple.

5. I do everything in my power to be the rock and the sustenance within the home, not just as it relates to housekeeping. I'm the one who feeds the neighborhood kid, whose parents are divorced and who seems drawn to our home every moment he isn't in school, dinner many nights. I'm the one my daughter's friends can call if they need something and their mom is at work. When I told my kids I might need to start looking for a job because I was feeling inadequate they both replied in panicky voices "Why??? We don't WANT you to work. We need you home mom!" So am I worthwhile, even if my office is the kitchen and my attire shorts and a tee shirt? I want to think so; I have to think so.

Most of us stay at home moms and dads are quite informed, nuanced, and grateful. And our powers of perception are sharp. People who make subtle (and not-so-subtle) comments or look down on us may simply be unaware.

For the time being, we’ll keep doing what we're doing because it’s working for our family unit and because, through that same hard work and good fortune, I still can. The kids are flourishing and we are healthy and happy, at least for today and at least while life still affords us some control.

If someone can give me an easier term to define what I do, I’m all ears. Until then I’m going to try hard to stop feeling ashamed and to learn to say the words “I’m a stay at home mom” without offering up excuses and apologies. In fact, I'm going to try to learn how to say it with pride.

I encourage the rest of you to do the same. I know how valuable and worthwhile you are. We just have to remind each other sometimes, right?

Sincerely,

Stay-At-Home Mom

Today I baked banana bread!!