Friday, April 11, 2014

The Urgent Care Stalkers (with a dose of puke, southern Alabama & dementia tossed in)

Four weeks of Shulda style sickness, diary style.

Sunday, March 16: Arrived in Destin, Florida, after a fun drive up with the Kempfs. Fun night taking Marah out for sushi to celebrate her 13th birthday but Brody opted for pizza instead. He hates sushi. I found myself wondering “pizza in a sushi joint? Meh, whatever, it’s what he wants”. Wake at 2:00 am to a crying Brody. Is that vomit I smell? Ack, ACk, ACK, that’s vomit. He’s on the top bunk bed above Jack, so I send him to the shower, crawl up the ladder, and feel something hot, wet, and, oh God, chunky. It feels like maybe moistened cat food? Ack, ACk, ACK (those are hurling noises coming from my throat in case you can’t catch on). I lean over the simulated cat food to pull up the fitted sheet. SHIT! My t-shirt dipped into the pile. Ack, ACk, ACK. Focus. This is war.

p.s. I forgot to add that Jack, Barb's 13 year old, had some, um, bathroom issues earlier tonight. I saw Barb walking into bathroom #1 (of two), wielding a plunger and a very determined look. She said Jack has stopped up the toilet. I had to pee, so headed to bathroom #2, which was locked. I knocked and hear Jack say “just a minute”. Like a tattling teen, I ran back to bathroom #1. “Barb, why is Jack in the master bathroom?” Her reply left me nervous. “He said he needed to finish!” This is our first night. Somehow I get the feeling it might be a long week.

Monday, March 17: Wake because my hands itch. It is from washing them too many times last night. I get up and see that Brody is comfortably resting on the sleeper couch. After spraying off the majority of chunks into the kitchen sink (sans the few pieces that flung up and hit me in the face) and using the disposal to discard whatever was left of pizza and ice cream birthday cake from the, of course, heavily stitched quilt, I successfully got it into the washer with his pajamas last night but the remaining sheets are still in a pile in front of the washing machine. Those fuckers are glaring at me, I can see it. I’m impressed with the Kempf clan, though. They slept through the festivities. Especially Jack, who was right underneath the carnage. I’m thinking it must’ve been the result of a peaceful colon.

Tuesday, March 18: Barb has been fighting the onset of a nasty head cold but she complains less than any person I’ve ever met. Is she even human? The woman has an extremely high pain tolerance and has dealt with more medical issues in her life than ten folks combined. She is my hero; even feeling crappy she’s on the beach. Brody has been coughing. Allot. But the sheets are clean and he’s not allowed to eat pizza. Or ice cream cake. Or, really, anything. He’s complaining a little of hunger but I told him unless he wants to sleep on the deck he must take one for the team. My Ack reflex can’t take another puking episode. We discovered it wasn’t just Jack; bathroom #1 has issues. Just ask the plunger.

Friday, March 21: Brody’s cough has gotten, um, kind of bad. He says ice cream helps. ACK. We leave for home tomorrow but are trying to get one last day on the beach. As he and I were walking in the surf a coughing fit seized him and the next thing I knew he was puking. I could see a family watching us in horror, so I turned him toward the ocean and tried to subtly kick the chunks away so they’d float out to sea. I mean, seriously, what are they going to do? Drain the pool??? Besides, just yesterday we witnessed choppers flying circles over the water in front of us and the Beach Chair Guy (we didn’t get his name) said it usually means sharks were spotted. Sharks like cat food, right?

There was another coughing/puking incident later that day right by the couch. On the throw rug, that, thanks to some genius, is taped to the floor. That means I can’t get UNDER IT to get the rest of the puke out. So I McGyver a knife and paper towel and do the best I can while scrubbing the side of the couch, chair, and anything close to the blast zone. This is a condo, remember, and we pay for stains. Thanks to the bathroom #1 plunger incidents we have plenty of air freshener so I douse the entire area and fabric with it. I forgot to mention. Barb may be a she woman but she does have one kryptonite: vomit. I’m still on my own, which is appropriate. It’s my kid. Can I swap for the plunger????

Saturday, March 22: I finally succumbed to my odd fascination with boiled peanut signs (they must be good, right, because the Florida pan handle is teeming with signs) and purchased some at a gas station in Cullman, AL. Ack, ACk, ACK!!!!! The only thing that makes it tolerable is remembering our lunch stop. We had stopped at a cool diner in the old Cloverfield district in Montgomery, AL. Brody ordered the children’s fruit plate (wtf??? He’s NEVER ordered that) and doubled down on the order after I said “you do know it’s ONLY fruit, right?” As soon as they set it in front him he said “um, mom, I don’t really want this.” Gabrielle, Barb’s 17 year old (one of the funniest little chicka’s in the world!) took the prize, though. Jack ordered a sandwich but requested they leave off the mushrooms. Gabrielle, in turn, ordered the portabella sandwich and asked for extra mushrooms, then retracted the extra mushroom request after seeing our confused looks. When the sandwich arrived she was appalled. “Where’s the meat mom?” She couldn’t bring herself to eat the disgusting sandwich, having believed it was a burger with some portabellas on it. Life lesson are so fun sometimes!

We arrived in Nashville that night to our dear friend Terri’s home, where she offered up comfort, food, drinks, a huge dose of love and medicine that could get Brody home.

Sunday, March 23: Had to face the loss of KU in the NCAA tournament. Is this sickness related, you ask? Seriously?? Is the Pope Catholic???? Have you SEEN the “Marlys Crying Games?”

Monday, March 24: First thing this morning I take Brody to Urgent Care. The doctor takes one listen and says “Oh, I think he has pneumonia!” I’m the world’s worst mother. Ever. But I just wanted to get him home!!! Maybe we should’ve stopped off at one of the millions of Assembly of God or Southern Baptist Churches we drove by in southern Alabama for some snake healing on the way home. The signs were so welcoming, like Salem Baptist Church (everyone loves a good witch burning), Pilgrim Rest Baptist Church (those poor tired Pilgrims!), Red Oak/Good Hope/ Buck Creek,/Bela/ Pleasant Home & River Falls Baptist Churches…then there were the Assembly of God churches, kind of like the whole Walgreens/CVS corner feud? Where you see a Walgreens you will see a CVS. Same with the Southern Baptists and the Assembly of God folks; they’ve got a real Hatfield & McCoy thing going on down there. My favorite was the Primitive Baptist Church, written on a crude wooden sign with an arrow pointing down a narrow country road. I couldn’t quit laughing until Barb finally got fed up with me. I think her hand got tired because I was making her write down the name of every church we passed. She hadn’t quit writing in an hour.

Friday, March 28: I take Brody to our regular doctor because he’s still a little puny (seriously, how long does this pneumonia stuff take to get over???) and because he vomits once every morning. I think it’s a gift he brought back from Florida for me. I’ve become quite the pro at cleaning it up. She takes another chest x-ray and it looks clear but he may have some acid reflux issues going on (maybe caused by the antibiotic irritating something?). We return to the pharmacy for the second time this week for another scrip to heal his tummy and prepare for Monday.

Monday, March31: Brody puked again this morning. No school. Again.

Tuesday, April 1: I’m ready today!!!! In touch with school, they know about the stomach issue, and I make him go. Phone call ten minutes after school starts from Nurse Erin: “um, Brody puked but he made it out of line to the bathroom and seems to be doing fine now?” I tell her to let him rest and if it happens again I’ll come get him. No further incidents and he stays the entire day. Maybe it’s over!

Wednesday, April 2: He wakes up and says his stomach hurts. I decide to keep him home, but text the neighbors we carpool with to let them know. I add in a note saying I hope the District Attorney doesn’t send me a notice to appear in court in jest. Immediately, my phone rings and Dave is in a panic: “Did they DA send you notice????” I’m like “no, but if my kid misses anymore school they sure as hell might!”

Monday, April 7: Brody is officially better, with no further incidents. However....wait for it....just wait...Marah is home from school. Her throat hurts and looks red with a few white patches. As we walk in the door of Urgent Care the lady at the desk says “oh, hi, weren’t you here last week?” I explain that I was, and that Brody is better. Marah has a strep test done and it’s negative. They think it might be allergies so we head to CVS (third time in a week) for some Allegra. I'm finally starting to understand the CVS/Walgreens & Baptist/Assembly of God strategies. Sometimes you need a change of scenery.

Tuesday, April 8: I’m starting to feel pretty damn poorly myself. While watching Grandpa Ed today, I left him alone at the kitchen table in his wheel chair (locked up tight) and actually laid down on the living room floor because I felt so bad. After accidentally falling asleep, I woke to him rocking back and forth in the process of pulling the table cloth off the table. I also found that he had poured his coffee into the bowl of grapes, stuck a pencil in the bowl, and also put one of the v-tech battery operated toddler toys I got him right in the middle of the coffee. When I said “Grandpa, what are you doing?” he just blew me a kiss. I’m slipping badly.

Not to be outdone, I receive a text from Barb. They had sewage backup in the basement, poop water mixed with laundry water and the plumber can't come until tomorrow. They just said to hell with it and went to a hotel. Maybe Destin has cursed us. Grrrrrr.

Wednesday, April 9: Last night I had a fever of 101.4. I went to Urgent Care today and the lady looked even more confused to see me than she had Monday. I have bronchitis. Back to CVS for an antibiotic and inhaler (Brody's & mine are matching, isn’t that cute?). After returning home, I find that the fever is back up again and I’m miserable, shivering down to my bones. I put on my favorite KU stocking hat, sweatshirt and sweatpants, turn up the heated blanket to High, and set my phone alarm for 2pm. When it goes off, I weakly reach over and turn on the radio to hear Joel Embiid’s NCAA announcement, then shut it off and crawl back into my cave. Don’t anyone EVER accuse me of not loving the Jayhawks.

Thursday, April 10: Marah is still complaining of throat pain and after looking at her monstrosity of a throat I’m convinced she has strep and the doctor on Monday is crazy. For the (yes, I’m capitalizing this!) FOURTH time in 11 days, I walk back into Urgent Care. By now they are laughing at me, albeit under their breath. Who the hell is THIS doctor?? Where is my regular Urgent Care doctor??? Ugh. This guy says “no, she doesn’t have strep, we did the quick test on Monday and sent it off for a culture and those are 99.9% correct…blah blah blah….just give me a freaking scrip!!!”. Oops, did I say that out loud? He was so flippin’ condescending. It’s a virus…she doesn’t have the other symptoms….has to ride itself out…can go to school and do what’s comfortable.” Sigh. But he gives her a prescription for Lidocaine to numb it. You know the routine by now: CVS.

Friday: April 11: Sigh. I think we are all on the right track, finally. Marah was convinced that she has strep until her neurotic internet searches resulted in photos under “tonsillitis” that looked like hers. Eh, hum, it said just what the, eh, hum, condescending doctor said. As for me? Even though I no longer have any fever I’m still coughing and feeling a little puny. Regardless, we leave tonight for Tulsa because the throat queen has a soccer tournament and the doctor SAID she can participate in activities if she feels like it. Brody is 100% (it only took 8 or 9 days longer than I had originally thought), Marah is convinced she’s not dying, and I’ve suffered, sniffle, quietly with my own puny-ness.

What’s the lesson? If you find yourself cleaning up vomit on the first night of a Florida vacation, walk…no, RUN, to Urgent Care. If I had it to do over again? I’d stop in southern Alabama. I’m sure the Golan Assembly of God could’ve provided one HELLUVA blog story and even healed us prematurely in the process. ACK!!

2 comments:

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  2. Isn't that how illness in a family always goes? As soon as the initial person to succumb is on their way to recovery the next family member contracts the same or something else. The only time the road to well being hits a bump though is when mom gets sick herself. What a trip, the ones to the urgent care and not to Florida!

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